


Unlikely pairing

by Anon_H



Series: Bag o gifts [8]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack/Rare pair, F/M, Gift Fic, Oral Sex, Smut, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:56:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anon_H/pseuds/Anon_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After beating the game, Dirk decided to keep a close eye on Calliope, should her brother resurface.</p><p>That's when things become interesting</p><p>Giftwork for Coolgami</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unlikely pairing

Dirk was unsure how everything had spiraled out of control the way it did.

Actually scratch that, he knew perfectly well why things ended up like this.

Though he had a begrudging friendship with half of the cherub, Caliborn was gone when the game finally got beaten. To ensure nothing bad would ever come from him again he and a few others opted to kill what remained of the strange green being. Roxy and Jane however intervened and assured them that the good half, Calliope, was now in control and wouldn’t harm a fly.

Dirk was not convinced. Most of all, he was surprised how the ever skeptical Jane could place so much trust in the alien. Roxy trusted her too but that didn’t surprise him at all. To his horror however she gave him the patented Lalonde death glare when he suggested preemptively killing the cherub. She had dragged him away to shout at him in private, much like he expected.  
“OTM STRIDER, YOU CAN’T BE FAKKIN CEREAL!”  
“It’s for our own safety.”  
“CALLIE WONT HARM ANYONE.”  
“Her brother might.”  
“HE’S GAWN. SHE STAYS. DEAL WITH IT!”  
So to keep the peace he agreed not to kill Calliope. After closer observation he wasn’t even certain he had the power to kill a godtier muse. Though he would never admit it, he realized he may have just dodged a bullet in avoiding combat with her.

He wasn’t one to rest on his laurels however. Using various tiny robots as well as his own skills he constantly monitored his would-be victim. What he found however was surprisingly mundane.  
Almost disappointingly so.

Day 1: Target goes over to Jane’s house. Stays for tea and biscuits. Gets pranked 6 times before leaving. Works on drawing when arriving at make-shift home. Get better visual tomorrow.

Day 2: Target stays in for the day but converses with various people over pesterclient. Have Sawtooth analyze contents of conversation. Drone 3 managed to get visual on drawing. Appears to be alpha group.

Dirk tilted his head looking at the drawing. It was the alpha group and the cherub in one massive hug. Incredibly saccharine, in child friendly pastel colors. He wondered if he really had such a goofy smile in real life.

Day 3: Calliope met with Roxy and stayed out for most of the day. Drones had to remain on a distance as to not rouse suspicion with Roxy. She would flip every table if she found out. Drone 9 followed Calliope back to her home and--.

Dirk shied away from his screen. He knew it was a risk in his surveillance but he never intended it to get perverted. But there she was, her naked green body in full display. She was fascinating in how alien she was. Her face was almost doll-like, with large green eyes, strange swirls on her cheeks and a mouth filled with fangs. Her body seemed to have a scale like texture, but she had very well defined breasts. How that worked was a mystery to him.  
Tentatively he lowered the drone a little to get a better look at her. He was surprised with how incredibly long her legs were, covered in the same smooth scale texture. His throat felt dry as her leg got out of the way and he got a good look. At no point did he consider himself a voyeurist but this was strangely compelling. The feeling of his boner pressing up against his jeans was agreeing with him. Without realizing what he was doing he was stroking himself through his pants.  
He couldn’t quite describe his fascination but it felt good, so for just a moment he forgot about his reservations.

He decided to see it as an adventure. Surely that would justify it towards Jake.

The screen suddenly flashed green. The camera only showed a close up off Calliope’s eye as Dirk rushed to his keyboard. He didn’t know how she caught on so suddenly but he knew the game was over.

He entered command zeta as fast as he could type it and the screen became black. While the self-destructed bug would raise some questions he could easily shove them off as long as there was nothing that would link it to him.  
Immediately he began creating a plan so he could avoid accusations. He could send the other drones to other addresses and self-destruct them there, while keeping one and self-destructing it in his own hive. Of course, he didn’t know anything about it; someone was spying on him too.

As he was about to type the command however a green light filled the room.

Calliope stood in front of him, having quickly changed into her green suit. Her white hairpiece rested messily on her head. Though she blushed a fierce shade of green, her eyes didn’t express shame or anger. Though Dirk looked on with a strict pokerface he didn’t understand why she seemed sad.  
“Don’t…..” the cherub began, before rethinking her words.”I……. I’m sorry you had to see…..” she mumbled.”That…..”  
Dirk tilted his head.”See what?” he said, trying to play dumb. It wasn’t working and the cherub seemed to completely ignore it. She stepped to his desk and dropped the remains of poor broken drone #9.  
“I just…..” the cherub mumbled with a wry fanged smile, “kind of forgot you were watching.”  
“Wait….” Dirk interrupted.”How did you know you were watched?”  
Calliope laughed, bright but sad like a song he had long forgotten.”I am the muse of space. Whatever these things were, they were obvious blips on my metaphorical space radar.”  
“And what makes you think it was me?”  
The cherub looked mildly amused now.”Who else could it have been?”  
“Well shit….” Dirk groaned, a little embarrassed at his oversight.”Could you maybe… Not tell this to Roxy? She would flip her shit. I rather keep this hush hush. We cool?”

Calliope’s eyes lit up as she smiled.”I think I can be persuaded to remain quiet……”

* * *

 

“Are you fucking kidding me…..”

Nope, this is what she wanted. There he was, making elaborate poses in the middle of her room so she could sketch them from various angles. The various bad-movie posters and various drawings of her friends were mildly distracting. It was however nothing compared to the cramp he began to feel in his muscles from standing perfectly still like that.  
The cherub seemed happy though, diligently sketching away with a concentrated frown. Occasionally she’d glance to Dirk and back to her drawing before cracking a smile.

After twenty minutes of drawing she stood up and walked towards Dirk, directing him in a different position. This time he had to hold an imaginary sword like he was about to strike an invisible enemy. He offered to just equip his strife specibus. She declined, wanting to design her own blade for him.  
Her hands lingered on his wrists as she moved him like a mannequin into her chosen pose.

“Not a problem.” Dirk thought to himself, his mouth a strict line and his brow furrowed.”Just modeling for the alien chick I saw naked less than twenty four hours ago. Nothing remotely sexual about this situation. No reason for a random boner to pop up. I remain cool as the chilliest cucumber.”  
Calliope began sketching frantically and occasionally moved to draw her model from different angles. Dirk wanted to tilt his head to see what was happening, but the little green artist shooshed him and politely requested he stood still. He never noticed the odd British tone of her voice before.

After what felt like hours Dirk could see the cherub stopped drawing. Occasionally she would look up at him before looking back at her paper with a fierce blush on her face.  
“Yo.” Dirk interrupted whatever train of thought Calliope was going on.”Think it’s time for a break yet?”  
“I-In a moment…” she stammered.”It’s just that…..” whatever she mumbled was way to soft for human ears to pick up on.  
“Could you repeat that?”  
“Could you uhm……” her face was glowing green.”Could you please remove your shirt?” Dirk just met her with a blank stare from behind his glasses.”It’s just that… Drawing muscle definition is still very new to me and you are quite capable and—“  
Without saying a word Dirk removed his shirt. Though his expression remained neutral, he was very amused seeing the cherub’s mouth hang open like that.

“Still nothing remotely sexual about this situation.” he told himself, trying not to remember his moment of voyeurism.  
Again Calliope began directing him into different poses. Whenever she stood up from her drawing to guide him she began glowing. Dirk noticed her hands began lingering longer and longer on his skin. As long as she didn’t ask—  
“Could you….. Maybe…. Take your jeans off?”

Damnit.

“Nothing wrong here.” He thought to himself, carefully taking of his jeans and neatly folding them.”As long as I don’t pop a stiffy everything’s cool. She’ll make a few neat drawings, we high-five and I’m taking a long cold shower.”  
Calliope hesitantly told him how to pose. He suspected she was very hesitant to touch him while he was practically naked. Dirk did as she told him with no complaints though the poses seemed increasingly nonsensical and random. Was she even trying?

“Just don’t think of that. Just don’t think of yesterday. Just don’t think of sitting behind your pc rubbing yourself while watching—“  
Fuck.

Calliope clearly noticed, her cheeks glowing an almost neon shade of green.”Dirk?” she squeaked in a high voice.”Do you uhm…. Require some privacy?”  
“Shit I got this….” Dirk said trying to sound calm, though his pokerface was cracking.”Just give me a moment.” The cherub just kept staring. His dick continued standing proud.”Could you maybe…. stop looking for a moment?”  
“Oh…” The muse turned and suddenly looked very interested at one of her older drawings.”Uhm…. Did something arouse you perhaps?”  
“Callio—“  
“I’m just asking!” she squeaked nervously.  
“Look…..” he sighed.”You are kinda giving me mixed signals right now. I mean, you seemed totally cool with me spying on you, then you invite me and undress me like I’m one of your goddamn real dolls. Forgive me if my dick can’t take a hint.”  
“Y-,” she hesitated, ”You are aroused because of me?”  
Dirk shrugged.”Considering what happened yesterday, yes.” he stated like he was talking about the weather.  
“Impossible.” She said with a dry chuckle. With slumped shoulders she took off her hairpiece and sighed.”I am hideous.”

“Is this really happening?” Dirk thought to himself, his thoughts firing in rapid tempo.”The possible destroyer of worlds, the girl who usurped Caliborn….. Has self-esteem issues? Really?!”

“You’re not hideous.” Dirk stated dryly. The cherub looked up in surprise.”You’re different. That’s cool.”  
“So……” She mumbled in a small voice.”You weren’t disgusted when you saw….. You know….?”  
“Nop.”  
She looked like she was considering something. Dirk was just glad he got that over with. He posed for her drawings and reassured her she was not a monster. Surely now he could grab his stuff and go.

Dirk tilted his head.”Yes?”  
“Could I perhaps……” she gulped and pointed at his boxers.”Help you with that?”

* * *

 

Roxy is going to kill me.

He sat down on the stool he was posing on and spread his legs. Calliope sat down between his thighs and carefully slid her fingers down his boxers. It surprised him; despite the scaly texture she was warm-blooded. He took a mental note of it before the cherub unceremoniously took his boxers off. She almost shrieked.  
“So this….. This is…..” She looked at the bulge, not entirely sure what to do.  
“That’s my boner, yes.”  
“I……. I admit I fantasized about this.” She said quietly, wrapping her fingers around him.”And Roxy, Jane and Jake.” She added quickly, as if that made it less embarrassing.”I just never thought….. You know.”  
Dirk just nodded and allowed Calliope to experiment. She carefully moved her hand up and down as she looked fascinated at his member. He was fairly certain it was the way he looked when finding new blueprints. He knew he was quiet normally, but to encourage the cherub he let out a quiet satisfied moan.

As Calliope got in the swing of rubbing him she began adding her tongue. Dirk grabbed the edges of the stool at the sudden feeling. He accidently moaned out before he realized why it felt so good: A forked tongue. She smiled happily and slowly took his tip in her mouth while continuously working him with her tongue.  
He didn’t want to admit it but it felt great. For the first minute at least. After that he began feeling a stinging pain that really didn’t belong on his member.  
“Teeth,” he hissed, “Please watch the teeth.”  
Calliope momentarily took him out of her mouth and looked concerned.”Are you ok?” she panted.”Oh my gosh, I knew something like this would happen, I didn’t mean—“  
“Continue.” Dirk urged her, sounding a lot more desperate than he intended to. She gave him a confused look.”Please?”  
She smiled happily, nodded and took him back in her mouth. He gasped in surprise, discovering another thing the cherub apparently did effortlessly; she deepthroated him like it was nothing. Enthusiastically she began bobbing her head up and down, inviting him to put a hand on her head to decide the pace. He didn’t feel it was necessary.

“A-Alright….” he panted, trying not to trash his head.”I’m about too…… I…. You can stop now.” She didn’t stop.  
“Calli—nngghhh.” He moaned, throwing his head back.  
She continued swirling her tongue around his member.  
“Cal!!” he groaned loudly while electricity coursed through his body. He could feel his toes curl, his eyes shut and his body twitch as he came in her mouth.  
The cherub stopped moving and looked surprised for a moment before giving him a lazy smile and letting him slide out of her mouth.  
“That tasted surprisingly neat.” she said politely.”I am so happy I could make you feel like that Dirk.”  
“Yeah….” he mumbled a little confused, but refusing to admit it. He enjoyed it way more than he should have.

“Perhaps I should return the favor?”

He didn’t even realize he said that out loud. Calliope stood back and shook her head vehemently. Dirk wondered if this would come back to her self-esteem issues.  
“I-I’m good.” She mumbled.”You don’t have to…. If you don’t want to, which I can understand.”  
Yup. Self-esteem issues away.  
“Do you want me to return the favor?” He asked.  
“You don’t have to.”  
“I didn’t ask that.”  
“But if you don’t want to.”  
“I ask if YOU want me to.”  
“…….. Yes?”

He sat her down on the chair and carefully took of her pants. She was blushing harder than any anime character Dirk had ever seen. He gave her a reassuring smile as he sat down where she sat before and began licking.  
It was fascinating. Her organ was so alien to him he could only hope what he did was pleasing her. The reactions she gave him, small moans and sudden gasps indicated her was doing well.  
“D-dirk….” She moaned softly.  
She tasted so strange; he couldn’t place it. It was bitter and reminded him of a stale soda somehow. He wanted to continue licking just to get more of the taste to see if he could identify it.  
“O-oh gods…” she mewled.”I-I’m going too.  
He traced his fingers over her scaly legs and smirked up at her. It was a lot faster than he expected, but maybe he was just that good. Dirk Strider, oral expert in all senses of the word. He continued eagerly licking her.

Until something went horribly wrong.

Suddenly he was knocked back. It felt like a wall hit him in the face and pushed him away with incredible speed. Instinctively he knew he was about to hit the wall and to make matters worse the roof was collapsing. Pressing his legs against the moving wall he flash stepped away from the calamity.  
He realized Calliope already disappeared as he dodged the debris and distanced himself from her hive to see what was happening.

An absolutely massive serpent sat in the middle of her hive. Dirk didn’t even dare estimate how long the reptile beast was. The eyes of the monster however were eerily familiar.

“Cal, baby….” He mumbled.”We gotta have a talk about human intercourse.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hahahahaaa...... Sorry for that ending. I could not help myself. 
> 
> Only 2 gifts left.


End file.
